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Help Suzanne Aucoin
July 24, 2007 - The St. Catharines Standard
St. Catharines Standard (ON)
Front, Tuesday, July 24, 2007, p. A1
What do you say to cancer patients?
'There are no magic words,' says Suzanne Aucoin. 'Otherwise somebody would
have written a book about it and made millions of dollars.'
PETER DOWNS
Standard Staff
Part 21
Suzanne Aucoin is used to answering all the standard questions from border
officials when she travels to New York each week for cancer treatments.
Citizenship? Where are you from? Where are you going? When are you
returning?
But on one of her recent medical journeys across the river, the border agent
had a few more to throw at her.
What kind of cancer do you have? Why can't you get treatment at home?
And then the border guard did what many people do when they learn someone
has cancer - she fired back with a detailed cancer story of one of her own
relatives.
It's one of Aucoin's biggest pet peeves. "When you're a cancer patient,
strangers and non-strangers feel the need to tell you of every person they
know who's had cancer and whether they've died or not," she said in a recent
interview.
"That is not helpful information. If I ask about someone, that's my choice.
But if you start telling me a grocery list of people who have cancer, you're
not making me feel any better."
Aucoin, 36, has experienced just about every faux pas that can be made since
she was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer nearly four years ago.
pdowns@stcatharinesstandard.ca
Box(es):
On the web
The Standard's ongoing series following Suzanne Aucoin's fight with colon
cancer can be read online.
For previous stories in the series, go to The Standard's website,
www.stcatharinesstandard.ca, and follow the link on the left-hand side of
the page to Suzanne's Story.
Suzanne Aucoin also posts regular updates and information on her own
website: www.helpsuzanne.com
What to say
Some dos and don'ts when speaking to cancer patients, as suggested by
Suzanne Aucoin:
Do:
Say simple, positive things such as I'm thinking of you; I'm concerned about
you; My prayers are with you or I'll send you positive energy.
Allow the person with cancer to raise the disease as a subject of
conversation.
Don't:
Tell unsolicited stories about other people who are fighting cancer or died
from the disease.
Ask probing questions about the person's medical condition.
Talk about cancer unless the person with the disease brings it up.
A list of suggested dos and don'ts, as recommended by the American Cancer
Society:
Do:
Take your cues from the person with cancer. Some people are very private
while others will talk more about their illness. Respect the person's need
to share or their need to remain quiet.
Let them know that you care.
Respect their decisions about how their cancer will be treated, even if you
disagree.
Listen without always feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a caring
listener is what the person needs the most.
Offer to help in concrete, specific ways.
Don't:
Offer unsolicited advice, or be judgmental.
Always feel you have to talk about cancer
Be afraid to hug or touch your friend, if that was a part of your friendship
before the illness.
Be patronizing. Try not to use a, "How-sick-are-you-today?" tone when asking
how the person is doing.The awkward and uncomfortable moments are usually
brought on by people with good intentions, who just don't know what to say
to someone with cancer, said the St. Catharines woman.
But often the combination of uneasiness and good intentions can lead to
questions that probe too deeply, comments that miss the mark and stories
that are best kept quiet.
"I don't mean to sound super bitchy - I'm just so frustrated by it," said
Aucoin, on leave from her position as chaplain at Denis Morris High School.
"My life is so consumed with cancer to begin with, more stories and sad
stories about cancer (aren't helpful)."
Aucoin suggests people allow cancer patients to set the tone of a
conversation and leave the disease out of the discussion unless it's brought
up by the person who has it.
"Sometimes it's best just not to say anything at all and just listen to
someone when they're not well or they're in a challenging situation," she
said.
Aucoin recommends questions that dig deeply into a cancer patient's health
should also be avoided - especially the loaded question, "Are you getting
better?"
"You can say, 'How are you?' But leave it at that," she said.
"I don't want to get into whether I'm getting better or not. What if I'm
having a really bad day or just had some really bad news?"
Simple, positive comments - such as telling the person you are thinking of
them or praying for them - are often best, Aucoin said.
"There are no magic words. Otherwise somebody would have written a book
about it and made millions of dollars."
Ann Mantini, acting executive director of the cancer support organization
Wellspring Niagara, offered similar advice.
"Feel the person out and respect their space," she said.
"Let them know that you're there for them and allow them to make that
decision, if they need any assistance or want any support or a listening
ear."
© 2007 St. Catharines Standard (ON). All rights reserved.
St. Catharines Standard (ON)
Front, Tuesday, July 24, 2007, p. A1
What do you say to cancer patients?
'There are no magic words,' says Suzanne Aucoin. 'Otherwise somebody would
have written a book about it and made millions of dollars.'
PETER DOWNS
Standard Staff
Part 21
Suzanne Aucoin is used to answering all the standard questions from border
officials when she travels to New York each week for cancer treatments.
Citizenship? Where are you from? Where are you going? When are you
returning?
But on one of her recent medical journeys across the river, the border agent
had a few more to throw at her.
What kind of cancer do you have? Why can't you get treatment at home?
And then the border guard did what many people do when they learn someone
has cancer - she fired back with a detailed cancer story of one of her own
relatives.
It's one of Aucoin's biggest pet peeves. "When you're a cancer patient,
strangers and non-strangers feel the need to tell you of every person they
know who's had cancer and whether they've died or not," she said in a recent
interview.
"That is not helpful information. If I ask about someone, that's my choice.
But if you start telling me a grocery list of people who have cancer, you're
not making me feel any better."
Aucoin, 36, has experienced just about every faux pas that can be made since
she was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer nearly four years ago.
pdowns@stcatharinesstandard.ca
Box(es):
On the web
The Standard's ongoing series following Suzanne Aucoin's fight with colon
cancer can be read online.
For previous stories in the series, go to The Standard's website,
www.stcatharinesstandard.ca, and follow the link on the left-hand side of
the page to Suzanne's Story.
Suzanne Aucoin also posts regular updates and information on her own
website: www.helpsuzanne.com
What to say
Some dos and don'ts when speaking to cancer patients, as suggested by
Suzanne Aucoin:
Do:
Say simple, positive things such as I'm thinking of you; I'm concerned about
you; My prayers are with you or I'll send you positive energy.
Allow the person with cancer to raise the disease as a subject of
conversation.
Don't:
Tell unsolicited stories about other people who are fighting cancer or died
from the disease.
Ask probing questions about the person's medical condition.
Talk about cancer unless the person with the disease brings it up.
A list of suggested dos and don'ts, as recommended by the American Cancer
Society:
Do:
Take your cues from the person with cancer. Some people are very private
while others will talk more about their illness. Respect the person's need
to share or their need to remain quiet.
Let them know that you care.
Respect their decisions about how their cancer will be treated, even if you
disagree.
Listen without always feeling that you have to respond. Sometimes a caring
listener is what the person needs the most.
Offer to help in concrete, specific ways.
Don't:
Offer unsolicited advice, or be judgmental.
Always feel you have to talk about cancer
Be afraid to hug or touch your friend, if that was a part of your friendship
before the illness.
Be patronizing. Try not to use a, "How-sick-are-you-today?" tone when asking
how the person is doing.The awkward and uncomfortable moments are usually
brought on by people with good intentions, who just don't know what to say
to someone with cancer, said the St. Catharines woman.
But often the combination of uneasiness and good intentions can lead to
questions that probe too deeply, comments that miss the mark and stories
that are best kept quiet.
"I don't mean to sound super bitchy - I'm just so frustrated by it," said
Aucoin, on leave from her position as chaplain at Denis Morris High School.
"My life is so consumed with cancer to begin with, more stories and sad
stories about cancer (aren't helpful)."
Aucoin suggests people allow cancer patients to set the tone of a
conversation and leave the disease out of the discussion unless it's brought
up by the person who has it.
"Sometimes it's best just not to say anything at all and just listen to
someone when they're not well or they're in a challenging situation," she
said.
Aucoin recommends questions that dig deeply into a cancer patient's health
should also be avoided - especially the loaded question, "Are you getting
better?"
"You can say, 'How are you?' But leave it at that," she said.
"I don't want to get into whether I'm getting better or not. What if I'm
having a really bad day or just had some really bad news?"
Simple, positive comments - such as telling the person you are thinking of
them or praying for them - are often best, Aucoin said.
"There are no magic words. Otherwise somebody would have written a book
about it and made millions of dollars."
Ann Mantini, acting executive director of the cancer support organization
Wellspring Niagara, offered similar advice.
"Feel the person out and respect their space," she said.
"Let them know that you're there for them and allow them to make that
decision, if they need any assistance or want any support or a listening
ear."
© 2007 St. Catharines Standard (ON). All rights reserved.